


When Words are Too Much

by Amuly



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-05-30
Updated: 2010-05-30
Packaged: 2017-11-04 00:23:50
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,510
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/387596
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Amuly/pseuds/Amuly
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>At the most important moments of his life with Remus, Sirius found that he didn’t need words.</p>
            </blockquote>





	When Words are Too Much

When Sirius first found out that Remus was a werewolf, he didn’t say anything. James was speaking enough for the both of them. Asking Remus questions, wondering what it was like, asking him if it hurt (which it obviously did, the wanker, judging by how pale and tired Remus looked after every full moon). Remus sat there, scared by the confrontation, obviously nervous that his newly-made friends would reject him, now that his secret was out.

Sirius wasn’t sure what to do. His eyes flickered between his hands and Remus’ pale face. He wanted to say something: reassure Remus, promise he’d stick around, promise him everything would be okay. But he knew that it wouldn’t be okay: Remus was a werewolf. Things weren’t okay for Remus, and they never could be. He knew he would stick around, but to say it out loud…it sounded hollow, like if he said it, it would make it less true.

It was only when there was a lull in the conversation, when James had temporarily run out of questions to ask or reassurances to give, that Sirius did anything. He crawled across the bed, and enveloped Remus in a hug. For a moment, Remus stiffened under the touch. But then he leaned into it, practically melted in Sirius’ arms, and started to cry.

The thin body in his arms was wracked by sobs, but Sirius held on tight. Didn’t say anything, didn’t offer any of those comforting words which sounded so false, even in his head. Just squeezed Remus to him: bony, tragic, fragile Remus. And Remus cried and cried, until he finally pulled away. His eyes were bloodshot, face blotchy, but a shaky grin was spreading its way across his face. He pressed his forehead against Sirius; closed his eyes. “Thank you.”

**

When Sirius first kissed Remus, he didn’t say anything. It was all sort of an accident: Remus was lying in the hospital bed, bruised and battered from his latest transformation. Madame Pomfrey had struggled with the thirteen-year-old boy who tried to force his way past her. Sirius should have known that almost-muscled arms and legs weren’t enough to push past, with her years practice restraining young men like himself.

She waved her wand and tied him up, as Sirius raised holy hell, spewing curses at her, then breaking down with tears in his eyes, asking to see Remus, please.

Two hours later, and the invisible ropes binding him unwound, releasing him. Sirius bounded upright, racing over to Remus’ bed. There he lay: so sad, and small, and fragile. Tears welled up in Sirius’ eyes. “Hey.” Even moving his mouth to say that little seemed to strain Remus, and he winced, a shadow of pain crossing his face.

Sirius scrambled for his hand, careful of the scrapes and cut. He tried to say something: anything, to tell Remus it would be okay. But it couldn’t be. Remus was so hurt, and he would always get so hurt, every full moon. And there was nothing Sirius could do about it.

He started to cry. It was embarrassing, and he wanted to be strong for Remus right now, but he couldn’t help it. He hugged Remus’ hand to his face and cried into it, tears trickling down his face and soaking the bandages beneath. “Sirius? Sirius!” But he couldn’t stop. He _hated_ seeing Remus – _his Remus_ – like this, hated that he couldn’t do _anything_ about it. It wasn’t fair that Remus had to deal with this: beautiful, soft, sweet Remus.

“Sirius! Please…I’m alright…” He shook his head, tears still pouring from his eyes, sobs ripping their way from his throat. Then Sirius felt Remus tugging on his hand, pulling it toward him. He chanced a glance up, staring at Remus through bleary eyes. “Sirius, I’m okay. Really.” Remus’ eyes flicked across Sirius’ face, searching for the calm that Sirius didn’t feel anywhere inside.

Then, unexpectedly, Remus brought Sirius’ hand to his mouth, and nipped gently at his fingers. Sirius’ whole body stiffened. Was…was Remus…did Remus _like_ him? Like _that_? Like he liked Remus? But he just continued to nip at each individual fingertip: calmly, sequentially.

Sirius could laugh, could cry – he didn’t know what he wanted to do. So he pulled Remus’ hand back to him, and kissed the back of it. His lips lingered longer than was necessary, but Sirius was too busy letting his eyes slide closed to restrain himself. A thousand emotions flared through him and into the kiss: relief, giddiness, love. Too many to put voice to, too conflicting to name.

His eyes darted up to Remus’ face as he pulled away. Sirius’ smile fell. Oh no. Remus was looking shocked, like he hadn’t been expecting that. So then…he _didn’t_ like Sirius? He had to get away from Remus, or come up with something to say, some sort of excuse…

And then Remus was leaning forward, kissing him ever-so-gently on the lips. Just a small peck, but Sirius was awash in the feel of dry, warm lips against his, Remus’ smell filling his nostrils. Remus grinned, lopsided. “That’s…that’s what you wanted, right? I mean, it’s okay?”

Sirius answered Remus with a hug and a kiss.

**

When Sirius first had sex with Remus, he didn’t say anything.

Sirius glanced down at Remus’ face beneath him, seeking reassurance.

Remus’ eyes were wide, nervous, but he was nodding. “Please, Sirius. I…I want it.”

Sirius bit his lip. He wanted it too, _so much_ – he just didn’t want to hurt Remus. Especially with the way Remus had to suffer pain every month, Sirius didn’t want to be one to add to it.

“Please?” Remus’ voice was a whine as he rolled his hips against Sirius. A moan slipped from Sirius’ lips, and his eyes fluttered closed. He nodded.

Carefully, oh-so-gently, Sirius lined himself up with Remus. He was ready: Sirius had made sure of it. And they had… “practiced” … lots before, with fingers and all. But this would be the first time - his breath hitched, and he looked into Remus’ eyes – this would be the first time _he_ would be inside Remus, would be filling him.

Remus canted his hips up slightly, encouraging him. With lips pressed together in a thin line, Sirius gripped Remus’ hips and drove slowly, _slowly_ forward.

Beneath him, Remus gasped and writhed. He flung his head back, against the pillows. His fingers scrambled at Sirius’ forearms, gripping tightly. And then Sirius was inside him, fully inside him, and he was lost in that tight heat.

He waited, hips still even as he quivered with tension. His heart felt like it was going to burst out of his chest: pounding madly from arousal, while at the same time squeezing, clenching in a way Sirius didn’t knew he could feel. He wasn’t sure if he wanted to cry, or laugh, or fuck Remus into next week – most likely a combination of all three. Then Remus was opening his beautiful amber eyes, looking up at him. “Sirius…” Sirius leaned down and kissed Remus, deep and thorough. His tongue slid over Remus’, past his lips, into his mouth, thrusting thrusting, like his hips were about to.

“Sirius,” This time, it was more of a plea, a groan, and so Sirius started to move. Carefully he drew his hips back, pushing them forward with aching slowness. Remus felt so _good_ , so hot and tight around him, but it couldn’t be good for Remus: not if he was that tight. But Remus was moaning: deep, heady sounds that vibrated through him and into Sirius, urging him to move faster, harder. 

He began to thrust, really _thrust_ , with Remus’ noises urging him on. “ _Yes_ , Sirius. _More_.” Remus’ voice – deep, thick with desire – shot through him, making his stomach quiver and flip. He stared down at Remus as he moved inside him; his thin, scarred body jerking upward with every thrust. Remus’ hands fluttered around, finally coming to rest: one palm pressed flat on the headboard, one gripping tight on Sirius’ arse, pulling him in further. “Sirius, so good, keep…”

Sirius knew they were both close. Remus’ stomach was twitching, those little muscle movements that told Sirius when he was about to come. And Sirius could feel his own arousal building within him, threatening to burst forth. Sweat dripped down from Sirius’ face and neck onto Remus, as Sirius continued to drive into him, pressing him up against the headboard. “Sirius, touch me, please…”

Sirius obeyed, moving one hand from Remus’ hips to grip at his arousal, jerking him off in time with their thrusts. Remus moaned, loud and needy, and then he was spilling into Sirius’ hands. The way he clenched around Sirius, bore down on him, took Sirius by surprise. He didn’t know that happened. With a strangled grunt, he came inside Remus, collapsing on top of him as the tension flew out of his muscles.

Shaking fingers stroked his sweat-slicked back, and Sirius raised his head to look at Remus. He frowned, eyebrows furrowing in worry. But then Remus started to smile, and laugh. “That was…Sirius…” he cut off, laughing.

Sirius pushed himself up with his hands. “Not the reaction a bloke is looking for, after that.”

Remus shook his head, pulling Sirius forward to kiss him. “Not that. It was just…it was so good, Sirius. You were so perfect.”

Then Sirius pulled back, staring down at Remus and giving him that _look_. That look he reserved for when he tried, over and over again, to convince Remus that he was beautiful. “Don’t, Siri.”

But Sirius was already pulling Remus into another kiss, holding him close to his chest. He didn’t need to say it, anymore: that Remus was beautiful, that Sirius loved him, that Sirius would always be with him. Remus would know.

**

            When Sirius first became an Animagus for Remus, he didn’t say anything. James was busy trying to explain all the trouble they had to go through, and Peter was trying to explain some of the specific magical theory behind it. Remus was looking between the two of them rapidly, trying to figure out what they were trying to say.

            “But, it’s illegal to do on your own. You need to get registered.”

            “Too late for that.” James was grinning madly. “You need to register _before_ you even start the spell and work and all that. We’ve already finished.”

            “But, won’t it take practice? I mean, it’s not just one spell and then, poof, right?” Remus was chewing his bottom lip. Sirius knew that look. It was the rule-following look, the putting-my-foot-down look. So Sirius slid off of Remus’ bed, where they were all sitting. He stood in the center of the bedroom floor, took a breath, and changed.

            His mind was suddenly quieter. He gazed around the room for a moment, absorbing all the different signals his senses were sending him. _Wormtail’s smelly socks. Prong’s got stuff that smells like that girl. Moony…_ Padfoot’s head swiveled to focus on the boys sitting on the bed. He could smell his partner, smell the boy that was a wolf up there.

            Sounds started to filter down to him. “Si-Sirius?” Padfoot barked, recognizing his name. Moony had said that.

            Padfoot trotted over to the bed, putting his front paws up on it. He was big enough to see over the edge of it, and he cocked his head, curious. There was Wormtail, over there. Smelled like food. And then Prongs, sitting on the other side. But Moony, Moony was the one that mattered, that he had to get to.

            He dropped down onto all fours again, backing away from the bed. He looked at it. The human part of his brain wondered at how he would jump up there, but Padfoot overrode it. _Moony!_ He tensed his haunches, then jumped up onto the bed.

            He landed in a heap, sending the other boys tumbling in all directions. _Moony. There’s Moony. Protect him, take care of him. Hurt_. Then he was on top of Moony, sniffing him carefully. _There. Cuts_. He whined, nuzzling at the cuts wrapped beneath bandages on Moony’s arm, trying to lick at them but only tasting gauze.

            “Sirius?” He stopped, looking up. Moony was looking down at him. He smelled like happy, so Padfoot barked, tongue lolling out of the side of his mouth. He moved forward and licked Moony’s face, until the boy was lying beneath him, giggling madly. “Sirius! Sirius, change back! I need to give you a thrashing and then a hug, come on!”

            _Change back. Change back._ And then Sirius was Sirius again, lying on top of a wet, grinning Remus. They smiled at each other for a long moment, before they remembered the other boys were there. Sirius slid off of Remus, who then pushed himself up into a sitting position. “This is amazing. Thank you.” His eyes flickered to Sirius’ and held them for a long moment. Sirius just smiled back.

**

            When Sirius first came out to James, he didn’t say anything.

            “ _Snivellus_ said he caught you two having…doing… _it_ , in an empty classroom!”

            Sirius’ hand tightened on Remus’. They were standing in the middle of the bedroom, staring down an irate James. Peter was with James, wringing his hands and glancing first between the two boys, then at their clasped hands.

            “James,” Remus’ voice was low and steady. Sirius squeezed his hand again. If he opened his mouth right now, he might say something extraordinarily stupid. He didn’t want to risk his friendship with James, but he wasn’t about to give up Remus for it. Not ever. So he let Remus handle the explanation. “Snape _did_ catch us. Having sex. Because we’re together.”

            “So…so what? You’re…you’re _boyfriends_?”

            Sirius’ breath hitched in his throat. The way James spat out that word - like it was something disgusting, or shameful – tore Sirius’ heart up. He tugged on Remus’ hand, then released it to wrap and arm around his waist, pulling him close. He watched carefully as James’ eyes flickered between them, turning cold.

            “James,” Remus always knew how to diffuse a situation, speak calmly. It was a gift Sirius lacked. “We are. We’ve been together for…a while, now.” Before James could ask how long – three years would have probably been too much, too shocking, for James to process right now – Remus continued. “You’re talking like it’s something bad, James. What’s wrong with it? With us?”

            Sirius’ thumb rubbed Remus’ thin hipbones, sending little loving reassurances with every stroke. “It’s…wrong! You’re two blokes! You can’t even have kids.” Sirius stopped himself from snorting. Would have just made the situation worse.

            “So then what if Lily were infertile? Would loving her be wrong?” Trust Remus to be able to counter any argument. “James, I’m going to say something, and I don’t want you to take this as an _ad hom_. Just listen.” Remus took a breath before he continued. “You’re sounding like a pureblood.” Even with the prior warning, James opened up his mouth indignantly. But Remus was already racing over his words. “Like we’re wrong just because of how we are. Am I wrong because I’m a werewolf? Because that’s something I can’t help. Is Lily wrong because she’s from a muggle family? Because that’s something she can’t help. And, me, and…and Sirius…”

            Remus’ voice faltered, and he glanced over at Sirius for reassurance. Immediately Sirius pulled him close, kissing him on the forehead. He pulled Remus to his chest and stroked his hair.

            “Sirius!” James was turning red, limbs twitching like he didn’t know what to do with them.

            Sirius turned steel-grey eyes on James from over the top of Remus’ hair. He didn’t say a word, but his look was message enough. He wasn’t leaving Remus. He wasn’t going to stop loving him. And James was just going to have to accept that. James turned on his heel and stormed out of the room.

            Peter went to follow him, hesitating at the threshold. “Just to let you guys know…” he wrung his hands, craning his neck to check and see if James could hear him. “I don’t mind.” He grinned, giving them both a thumbs-up before scurrying after James.

**

When Sirius sought forgiveness for telling Snape, he didn’t say anything.

            His big gob had already gotten him into enough trouble – Sirius was slowly beginning to realize that situations were generally better when he _didn’t_ speak. Besides, he had already tried apologizing to Remus the old-fashioned way: proclamations of regret, of apology, of what an enormous prat he was; letters declaring the same thing; flowers, chocolates; new quills, books, and robes. Sirius was at the end of his sanity: he _needed_ Remus to forgive him, _needed_ things to be right between them again.

            Which was why he was pacing their bedroom at midnight, waiting for Remus to come in from…wherever he was. Probably studying down in the common room, though Sirius hadn’t the heart to go look. He had bribed Peter and James with promises of butterbeer and firewhiskey, to stay out of the room until Sirius summoned James on the mirror. Much longer, and Sirius would have to summon James anyway, the night being fruitless. He couldn’t expect Peter and James to stay out of their bedroom the whole night.

            Then the door was creaking open, and Sirius’ breath caught in his throat. He opened his mouth, forming the word “Remus?”, but stopped himself. He wasn’t going to talk. That was the plan.

            It _was_ Remus who entered. The shadowy form stiffened in the doorway, realizing who it was standing on the other side of the room. Then it started off to the bathroom, not saying a word. Sirius decided it would be best to wait out here, rather than follow him in.

            Ten minutes later, and Remus was changed and ready for bed. He brushed past Sirius, not even raising his eyes to look at him, as he made for his bed. Sirius still wasn’t sure what to do, so he just padded after him, wringing his hands nervously as Remus climbed into bed. “Black. If you keep following me around like a little lost puppy, I’ll have to report you to the _pound_. I’m sure they’ll be interested to know you don’t have _papers_.”

            Remus wasn’t looking at him, but he didn’t have to. Sirius could still see the hurt in his eyes, even though they were cast down and away from him. The words – and the serious implication of them – stung, but Sirius knew he deserved them, and worse besides. So he continued to stand there, shifting from foot to foot.

            Minutes later, Remus spoke again. “I don’t want you near me, Black. Leave me alone. Find a shag somewhere else.”

            That hurt more. But still Sirius stayed, waiting for Remus to do _something_ that would tell Sirius that it was going to be all right between them. He would even take an indicator that things _might be_ all right between them, possibly, someday. Anything besides this cold hatred.

            Remus had rolled over onto his side, and Sirius began to worry that he would fall asleep. His plan of waiting Remus out wasn’t going to work if he fell asleep. It wasn’t until a few minutes later that Sirius realized Remus’ shoulders were shaking, and his ears picked up small, terrible noises coming from Remus’ throat. “I love you, Sirius.”

            Tears pricked at Sirius’ eyes as he gasped. The whispered words hurt more than anything else Remus could have done. They had never said those words before, and now, to hear them in such circumstances…

            “And you hurt me, _so much_.” Sirius didn’t know what to do. He wanted to say the words back to Remus, but after all of this, they would just sound cheap, like he was saying them just to say them; or worse, that he was saying them to win Remus back.

            After a moment’s hesitation, he crawled into bed with Remus. He knew Remus felt the bed shift, but Remus continued to lie on his side, shoulders shaking with his sobs. Tentatively, Sirius reached a hand out, touching Remus’ back. The young werewolf flinched dramatically, his entire body pulling away from the small point of contact. Sirius kept his hand exactly where it was for a count of ten, then moved it forward again, spreading his fingers out so his palm flattened on Remus’ back. This time, Remus didn’t move away.

            “Sirius,” it was more of a choked plea than a name. Without thinking, Sirius wrapped his arms around Remus, pulling him close until their bodies were flush. Remus relaxed into the embrace, letting Sirius hold him and soothe the pain away. They fell asleep like that. It wasn’t until morning broke and Remus was regarding him quietly in the soft light, that Sirius realized he hadn’t given James and Peter the all-clear.

**

            When Sirius let Remus leave, he didn’t say anything.

            “Fuck you, Sirius! Why can’t you tell me where you were, tonight? If it’s Order business, I have a right to know!”

            Sirius just sat in their kitchen, staring at the sink. He couldn’t tell Remus where he had been that night, even though it _had_ been Order business. James and Lily were going into hiding, needed a Secret Keeper. But he needed to make sure everyone thought it was him, while setting up Peter properly.

            “Sirius, _look_ at me.”

            Involuntarily, Sirius’ eyes snapped to Remus. Grey eyes clashed with amber, as they stared each other down for a long moment. Remus’ eyes were bright and wet, and all Sirius wanted to do was to get up, envelop Remus in a hug, and kiss the tears away. But he couldn’t, because he couldn’t tell Remus what he had been doing. And telling him was the only way Remus would take him back.

            So he said nothing.

            “Sirius, please,” Remus’ voice was cracking, and with it, Sirius’ heart. “Please tell me. I’ll…I just, I need to know. Please.”

            Sirius’ eyes were overflowing with tears, so he looked down at the table. Refused to meet those amber eyes, turning red from crying. He couldn’t, he couldn’t.

            “Sirius. I…I’m leaving.”

            A strangled noise made its way out of Sirius’ throat. His head snapped up, even as Remus started to back away toward the door. “Unless you can tell me…” Watching the hope die in Remus’ eyes at Sirius’ continued silence was the hardest thing Sirius had ever had to do. He thought he might die from the pain – a human heart wasn’t meant to feel like this and keep beating.

            “I’m…I’m going to go, then.”

            With one last, long look shared between lovers, Remus opened the door. The silence continued to fill the air as Sirius refused to speak.

            It was only when the door clicked shut, and the deadbolt ground its way into place, that Sirius broke his silence. He fell out of his seat and onto the floor of the kitchen, sobbing his heart out, his lover’s mumbled name tumbling from his lips.

**

            When Sirius first came back to Remus, he didn’t say anything. He showed up on Remus’ doorstep as Padfoot, whining and scratching at the front door to be let in. When Remus finally came to the door, muttering something about interrupted tea, Padfoot rushed past him, into the house. Immediately Sirius changed, shaking off the dirt and mud from the past months on the run.

            He turned, and there was Remus, closing the front door softly, blush pinking his cheeks as Sirius stood there, naked as the day he was born. “I’ll get you a robe.”

            Sirius waited, shifting from foot to foot in the living room, and trying his best not to shiver in the damp. Remus had a fire going in the fireplace, but it was barely enough to heat the small room, much less the rest of the house.

            Remus returned with the robe, handing it over to Sirius while averting his eyes. Sirius wanted to laugh, or snort, or say something like “not like it’s anything you haven’t seen before.” But he didn’t. He wasn’t sure how Remus would react. Not after…after everything.

            Robe cinched firmly at his thin waist, Sirius lifted his head, looking over at Remus from under shaggy, matted hair. The two men stared at each other for a long moment. Finally, Remus spoke first. “Dumbledore said you might stop by. For food, some rest. You want a cuppa? Oh, you probably want a meal. Must be starving.” Remus was wringing his hands, talking quickly like if he stopped the silence would overwhelm them. “I don’t really have much, but I can get some stuff. Order out, for tonight, then stop by the market in the morning.”

            Sirius still didn’t know what to say, but now he knew that neither did Remus. The thought was comforting: that they were in the same, awkward boat, neither of them knowing how to handle it. So he stepped forward, cautiously, and extended a hand. Trailing off, Remus’ eyes flickered down to it. The amber eyes softened as they moved between hand and Sirius, trying his best to communicate without ruining things, like he had last time. “Sirius…” Remus took the hand, and their palms pressed together, fingers tangling. A lopsided grin spread across Sirius’ face, stretching the thin skin, abused from thirteen years in Azkaban.

            When Remus spoke again, his voice was calmer and slower. “I’ll order the food. Come on,” he tugged on Sirius’ hand, “Let’s sit you down.” Sirius allowed Remus to tug him gently into the kitchen, grin never leaving his face.

** 

            But when Remus needed Sirius to stop, to stay, he said something.

“Sirius! You have to stay here!”

“He needs me, Remus! He’s in danger!”

Sirius was racing around Grimmauld, grabbing his wand and shucking on his robes. Remus was doing the same, but simultaneously trying to stop Sirius from going. “Sirius, you can’t. If anyone sees you, you’re back. Back in Azkaban, or worse.”

Sirius’ eyes didn’t even flicker. Robes on and wand secure, he seized Remus by the shoulders. “I don’t care, Remus. Harry’s worth it. Protecting him, defeating Voldermort, it’s all worth it. Worth even,” his voice cracked. Remus watched his Adam’s apple bob as he swallowed. “Worth even the kiss.”

Remus’ eyes filled with tears. “Please, Sirius, you can’t. I can’t…” he wiped the back of his hand against his eyes, furious with himself. “I can’t lose you again.”

Sirius pulled Remus in for a passionate kiss: all tongues and desperate, searing pressure. When Sirius pulled away, his face was filled with a cocky grin. “Well then I’ll just have to be careful, won’t I?”

“Sirius, please-” But then Tonks and Moody burst in, shouting at Remus to get going. With a wink and a smirk, Sirius joined them, getting ready to disapparate. As they disappeared, Remus whispered the last word of his sentence: “stay.”

            And so Sirius didn’t stay.

   



End file.
